New Girl Season Five: A Parody
by Gravity Always Wins
Summary: Just a day in the life from those lovable goofs in 4D. Sorta.
**Not giving up on this show, and this isn't even very well written. But I felt a little better after. (Also, I like that Reagan isn't even a tag-able character on this site).**

Winston trudged down the hall to find Nick and Schmidt arguing at the dining room table. He finished buttoning up his uniform and checked his watch to note that it was only a 8:45 in the morning.

"Little early to getting into it, isn't it fellas?" Winston asked, dropping his hat onto the table.

"Well, you try finding something Mr. Fussybritches will actually eat for breakfast," Schmidt said, frustration evident in his voice. He made his way over to the stove top and gave the large skillet resting atop it a few quick stirs..

"What's he even doing up anyway?" Winston asked, taking a seat.

"I don't know. I just got up and he was out here, staring into the fridge. Asked him if he was hungry, and all he will say is..."

"Coco Puffs!" Nick yelled.

"Dayum," Winston said, covering his ears. He looked curiously at Nick for a moment before turning back to Schmidt. "Well, what have you tried so far?"

"As I don't make it a habit of keeping sugar balls covered in powdered chocolate in this house, I first tried a simple bowl of yogurt topped with some fresh blueberries and blackberries."

"Hmm. Yes, and how did that work out," Winston asked.

"He took one bite, chewed it up, and spat it back at me."

"HA! HA!" Nick laughed loudly.

"No, not... not ha-ha," Schmidt said shaking his head. "You know you can't get blueberry out, Winston. He ruined one of my finest Pierre Cardin's. The one with the almost imperceptible golden tips to the collar."

"It was funny," Nick said.

"It most certainly was not," Schmidt replied angrily. "Nick, you know we have a big meeting today."

"Coco Puffs!"

"I think he's got his heart set on those Puffs, Schmidt," Winston smiled.

"I've told you, Nicholas, we don't have them. And we don't have time for... for this. We've got to get down to that bar, it can't run without us."

"Really?" Winston asked.

"Yes, Winston. As owners of the bar, it literally falls to Nick and I to ensure every aspect of the bar runs smoothly," Schmidt said. He turned from the stove and slipped a pile of scrambled eggs from the skillet onto Nick's plate.

"Don't you guys own, like... all of 10% of that bar? It doesn't really seem like you..."

"OWIE OWIE OWIE!" Nick Screamed, dropping his fork onto the table. "Too Hot, too hot!"

"Well, of course it's hot, Nick," Winston said. "He literally just took it off the flame."

"I don't like him anymore. He's mean," Nick pouted.

"What the..."

"What the heck is going on out here?" Cece called, emerging from Schmidt's room in his blue kimono.

"Oh, great Goddess Shiva," Schmidt said, dropping the skillet on the table and moving towards her.

"Hey boo," Cece said, throwing her arms around him as he pulled her in for a long kiss.

"EW!" Nick cried.

"Should Nick and I leave," Winston poked.

"Very funny," Cece said, breaking the kiss. "Can't I just show my man how much I love him?"

"Honestly, I could do with a little less of it in the common area, but..."

"Hey, bro," Schmidt said. "Take it easy, bro."

"Why you 'broing' me, Schmidt?"

"Because you stepping to my lady. My love. And I won't let nobody do nothing to hurt her. Not ever."

"I wasn't trying to..."

"Not since the day we met have I let someone hurt you, right babe?" Schmidt said, leaning in for another kiss.

"Not ever. Never never," Cece exhaled, pressing her lips to Schmidt's.

"Uh... if you say so," Winston said, rolling his eyes. "But I was just playing around. It's nice to see you guys so in love. It's been a while since I've been able to see this kind of happiness. Going on two years now, I'd say..."

"Winston, can you get Nick to eat something. Cece and I have some bidness to take care of," Schmidt said, trying to pull Cece back into his bedroom.

"No, no, babe," Cece protested. "I gotta get ready for my audition."

"Audition?" Winston asked. "What you got going on today, Ceec?"

"Oh, just that news anchor position I was talking about the other day."

"What's that now?"

"Oh, you know. That anchor woman position down at channel 2. I've been working at the local broadcast school for months in preparation. I talk about it all the time."

"This is literally the first I've ever heard of it."

"No way."

"I thought you were, like, in fashion school."

"Whatever made you think that?" Cece smiled.

"Oh, you know. Just all those checks Coach and I wrote to the Fashion Institute, I guess," Winston frowned.

"Oh Winston, you're so funny. Oh look! Nick's eating!"

Every stopped and turned to Nick. Sure enough, he had his head down over the table, chomping away.

"Oh thank God," Schmidt said. "Winston, what did you get him to eat?"

"What are you talking about? You were the one feeding him."

"No, I was over here mackin' on my sweet honey. I thought you took care of it?"

"I don't have anything on me. I haven't even eaten myself."

"Well then what in the world..."

Nick raised his head and smiled. Winston, Schmidt, and Cece looked on with confusion at the white substance that dripped from the corner of his mouth.

"It's yummy," Nick said, and dipped his right hand into a small, white cup. He scooped out a handful of the white matter inside. He brought it to his mouth and shoved it in. He smiled again, and repeated, "It's yummy."

"What is that?" Cece asked.

"It smells so familiar,"Schmidt said.

"It's paste," Winston said matter of factly. "Our 35 year old roommate is eating paste."

"What?"

"Wherever did he find paste?"

"I dunno," Winston said. "Probably found some in Jess' room or something."

"Who Jess?" Nick said, scooping another handful of paste into his mouth.

"Good grief," Schmidt said shaking his head. "That means he went into her room. Which is currently..."

Just then, Reagan cam bursting through Jess' door. She turned into the living area, rolling her travel bag and sample case behind her.

"That's it," she said. "I'm out of here."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Winston said standing up. "What happened?"

Nick sprang up, shoved his way past Winston, and ran at Reagan. Winston watched after him, noting for the first time that Nick wasn't wearing pants. Instead, he wore what appeared to be several plastic grocery store bags..

"So hot, so hot, so hot," Nick said, sliding at Reagan's feet. He grabbed her legs and hugged.

"What the hell do you think happened?" Reagan said.

"Oh, no," Cece sighed.

"Not again," Schmidt muttered.

"Yeah, I woke up in the middle of the night to find this... this... sleezeball hovering over my bed."

"Oh, come on, Nick" Winston said.

"He just standing over me, drooling into an armful of my bras and panties."

"PANTIES!" Nick yelled gleefully.

"Not now, Nick," Winston said, slowly walking into the living room. "Listen, Reagan."

"No, you listen. That's it. I'm out."

Reagan kicked Nick away and walked quickly to the door. Just as she was about to grab the handle, the door swung wide open.

"Hey everyone," Jess said, stepping into the doorway. "You won't believe the case I was on. It was crazy, I can't wait to..."

"Excuse me," Reagan said, stepping around Jess into the hallway.

"Hi, I'm..."

"You must be Jess," Reagan said, extending her hand.

"Hi," Jess said.

"I'm Reagan, and I'm leaving. Just wanted to shake your hand and say 'good luck'. You must be a friggin saint."

"Well, I'm gosh darned nice, but I don't know if..."

"Sorry, nothing personal, but you're slowing me down, and I gotta get out of this place. Again, good luck."

"Okay..." Jess said, watching as Reagan moved down the hall and punched her ticket for the elevator. "Hey guys, who was..."

Her eyes scanned the scene before her. In the kitchen, Cece and Schmidt were making out on the dining room table. Nick was sprawled out on the floor, sucking on his fingers. Winston approached her slowly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Hey, Jess. I..."

"I MADE A POOPIE!" Nick yelled, rolling to his back. He looked up at Jess. "Hey pretty lady, I made a poopie, wanna see?"

Jess looked down at Nick, then back up and Winston. Winston just shook his head and mouthed the word "RUN". Jess looked at Winston, and he sadly nodded his confirmation.

"I'll call you later," Jess whispered. She then turned back into the hallway. "Hey, hot girl!" Hold that elevator!"


End file.
